May 28, 2024
Literally have not updated in over a month, and now that I finally do, you are gonna find me completely delusional. As of recent, I havee been really getting into WWE and what really spurred this was watching clips of liv4brutality moments. Like I already knew who Rhea was and thought she was cool, but I didn't really know much else about her or her storyline. This was all in the lead up to Wreestlemania and right when the WWE youtube channel uploaded like an hour long compilation of rhea and liv's history. So I basically got so invested from this moment on and have been tuning in every Monday and Friday for Raw and Smackdown. So basically i am happy as hell since Saturday that Liv won the title, since I am a full supporter of the Liv Morgan Revenge Tour, and also ecstatic to see her retain last night. Of course I was watching the broadcast of Raw that cut off the end sequence. So imagine my surprise when I log onto twitter at 1 in the morning to see that Liv kissed Dominik. Like yeah it seemed like this is where it was going but i did not expect it to happen yesterday or to be cut off where i live. So yeah with all of that background context out of the way I am gonna share how I interpret the storyline thus far, and how I think its gonna end up.
First of all, I truly believe that Liv and Rhea had a romantic connection/relationship in kayfabe during the liv4brutality run, like I cannot imagine interpreting it any other way. So Rhea's betrayal was also a messy breakup between the two. Therefore, I see the motivation behind the LMRT being that Liv wants to steal everything Rhea once had because she cannot actually have her. Do I think she actually has genuine interest in Dominik? No (also she is literally a lesbian in kayfabe anyways). And I think the kiss itself proved that. It did not seem like it was out of any genuine lust or passion, but rather a show for Rhea. Also in the steel cage match when Liv literally called out to Rhea?! Like deep down I feel as though she wants her approval, or at least have her be at least somewhat regretful about how she ended their previous relationship. Ultimately Dominik Mysterio is just a plaything for Liv. Now while I initially thought that this storyline would merely just provide us with homerotic tension and toxic yuri content (which is already greatly appreciated), I am starting to delude myself into thinking that they might actually have them kiss like??? idk its just getting so ovious that i feel as though people who weren't previous acknowledging the romantic chemistry between Rhea and liv during their tag team days are even starting to pick up on it within the past few weeks. like prior it semd like it was only other lesbians talking about it, but now I am starting to see others bring it up too. Personally, I and many others see love triangles to be boring, but if they went the liv/rhea route I think it would be so incredibly satisfying and smart. like they already gave Liv a lesbian storyline, and all the pieces fit into place for it to make sense. And with the amount of publicity the liv and dominik kiss received, just imagine the reception to Liv and Rhea doing so. like i don't even need them to date or make profound confessions of love or anything, I just want this to get messier.
April 3, 2024
While it has been raining all week, yet today I do not really mind it. I have actually been feeling a bit more productive as of late, especially to update some stuff on here. I still have a long way to go, but spring just makes me feel so much more inspired. Currently I have been reading Gideon the Ninth for a book club I am in, and I have been really enjoying it! Absolutely love the dynamic between Gideon and Harrowhark, and I am so excited to sit down and talk about it with a community of other lesbians.
Other than that I have also finished reading through the play The Childrens Hour by Lilliann Hellman. I am such a huge fan of the the 1962 film, and it has been a story that has really resonated with me ever since I had first watched it, but onky now have I found the time to read the source material. Oh my goodness I forgot the extent of emotion that the narrative brought out in me. Truly such a beautiful, yet frustrating story about the social perceptions of homosexuality during its time.
The character of Martha Dobie in particular is so important to me, as I feel like in the United States at least, a lot of stories/people in general think we now exist in a post-homophobic society, when that is certainly not the case. Growing up it hurt me so much to see my friends who were able to be out and proud when I couldn't, especially since I now recognize I was the only lesbian in a friend group of bisexuals. Seeing them have no inhibitions while I was scared to even express an ounce of attraction to anyone still greatly affects me to this day, and is a large reason why I continue to be so closed off and unemotional among my peers. I cannot see a future where I can openly express my desire/attraction or even future relationships with my parents and close family, because I feel like they will see that I am a freak. I think thats why I am so attracted to stories that discuss lesbianism from the 1920s-1960s, I feel repressed as a lot of those characters do, and the stakes involved with people finding out one's secret feels so high, and because its set many decades before the present day, there is still some sort of aspect of escapism that a modern day movie doesn't necessarily grant me.
March 10, 2024
Just my luck, yesterday was my birthday and i was sick for most of the day. It would have been fine if i was just achey and tired but i also threw up and had a fever. Such a great way to start out my 20s. Its actually kinda funny because I got a flat tire on wednesday and knew from that moment on that this birthday would probably be some sort of messed up. It sucks too because I used to be the person who would always cry and be incredibly depressed during their birthday, but it seems that my 19th birthay and onwards it would be different and yet I still was not able to actually enjoy it this time around. Other than that I am trying to be optimistic about this new decade of my life and I just also happen to now be on spring break so hopefully I will feel the motivation to finish up some things on here as well as finish up some of the stuff I have been reading the past week.
March 8, 2024
Tomoroow is my twentieth birthday and its honestly just hitting me. like today is my last day if being a teenager and lowkey i dont have much to show for it, but thats not really whats bothering me. its more so the fact that this formative period of my life is coming to a close. i have to say that in the past few years i feel as though i have grown a considerable amount and have found out so much about myself, and honestly it was such a hard journey at times but i am proud to say i have made it through. during my high school years i did not allow myself to really think of my future because i thought it would never come, and i would constantly feel so guilty about wanting or desiring things. while i still somewhat feel undeserving, i have realized that its okay to want things and to want the best for yourself, and that sometimes you need to bask in the uncomfortable nature of it all in order to actually move forward, if that makes sense
January 22, 2024
I feel like my life has been pretty mundane the last month so i havent had much to write about. i have been having some weird dreams lately, maybe i'll make a yume nikki inspired dream journal at some point. lowkey high school still haunts me T-T but anyways i have been feeling quite confident as of late and my hopes for the new year has not been completely crushed yet so thats good i guess. Right now i am trying to organize my room and put in the crt tv i have been wanting to put in there for a while so i think once that happens ill be pretty satisfied. especially since i have a snes mini that's graphics would look so much better with the scanlines of an older tv.
Also i feel like i have been listening to a lot more music than i normally do and i find that this time of year i always end up listening to a lot of emo and pop punk music. lowkey i was talking to myself about it in during my drive to school earlier and i think the reason why is because i always get super nostalgic in winter. it kinda sucks because every time i listen to this music i think about my childhood in the late 2000s and all the cool older kids i would be fascinated by when going to really any place in public. while i am definitely looking at this era with rose tinted glasses i think its definitely fair to say that there were more things for teenagers to do in public during this time, at least in America. i remember there were an abundance of skate parks, including one in my local mall, lots of groups of teens who belonged to different subcultures such as "emo" scene and mall goth circles just hanging around (they'd probably get in trouble for loitering nowadays). i was so excited for myself to eventually become their age, however once i did that type of teen culture did not really exist anymore, the malls had less people, i became a hermit, and then covid prevented me from having any sort of in-person social life for half of my high school life. Sometimes, in fact many times i feel kind of cheated. if it wasn't for those mix of factors i may have had actual friends, been less severely mentally ill, and had a semblance of a normal high school experience. i still have a lot of resentment that i have been holding on to. anyways i have to go to my first biology class of the semester now and i did not expect this entry to be so introspective so... ill end it here
currently listening to : Brackish - Kittie
January 1, 2024
HAPPY NEW YEARS!!! I might post this on a different area of my site later but i figured I will write my resolutions and overall hopes for the new year here for now. sadly i am already starting off the new year having lost my voice but its whatever
Resolution #1: Be more independent
I feel as though this is the broadest resolution that I have and can be applied to many of my more specific resolutions. i am very much a loner i do not necessarily go out and do stuff by myself but rather rot away in the corner of my bedroom and so i know i would definitely benefit from doing more things and getting fresh air once in a while. while i go and do things with my family quite often i frequently get scared to drive but once i get past that mental block i feel that i will become a much freer person
Resolution #2: Be more confident and less of a pushover
i am such a people pleaser and honestly im getting so tired of it. i find it so hard to tell others "no" when they ask something of me and feel as though i am constantly acting in a way thats completely contradictory to my actual self. its been like this for nearly my whole life but especially within the past 6 or so years and I want to start setting boundaries with people rather than constantly making myself act like a more appealing version of myself. i also think this fits in with my sense of self expression. while i am someone who loves art and media the idea of "cringe culture" has sunk so deeply within me that I cannot find myself doing anything without this constant voice in the back of my head calling everything i do embarassing. the thing is too is that i never really see others who are being true to themselves or having a good time as cringy, yet i cannot allow myself to do the same thing for my own benefit.
Resolution #3: Get a girlfriend
pretty self explanatory
Resolution #4: Stop giving in to my compulsions as much
I have pretty bad OCD and do a lot of physical as well as mental compulsions and I would like to be more consistent with exposure therapy in order to stop having these thoughts and rituals control my life. This one I have the least faith in myself with but really i would be happiest with even the smallest bit of improvement :)
Resolution #5: Read more
I used to read quite a bit before my OCD got really bad but now i rarely do as i constantly feel the need to reread pages and keep track of page numbers in whatever i am reading. i know i am capable of getting past this and my literature classes that i took in the fall semester really motivated me to want to get back into the swing of things and so i hope i can do just that!
Feeling: hopeful 
December 30, 2023
Spoilers below for Rose of Versailles
I feel that they all really came to a head with the end of this episode, and cements her fatal flaws being her pride and ignorance. While of course I know where this is heading I somehow did not expect Marie to be so adamant about challenging the commoners especially when Louis XVI seemed to be ready to comply with the National Assembly. She has had it rough throughout the entire series, but especially within the last few episodes and so it was upsetting to see her stand so firmly in her belief of the monarchy. Then again that was all she has ever really known. While her tragic fate is very much rooted in her desire for luxury and opulence while turning a blind eye to the mass poverty and struggle of the people of France I still cannot help but feel bad for her. I mean we see her as a 14-year-old at the start of the series so we see her grow up knowing that her fate is sealed and yet I still do not feel prepared to witness it.
Speaking of things I am not prepared to witness lets talk about Oscar….Ultimately, I have had a knot in my chest ever since we first saw her cough up blood a few episodes prior, and it seems pretty obvious where this is heading. She is by far my favorite character in the series and she is a character that I have always trusted to come on top during a fight so to hear her illness be described as terminal is incredibly harrowing and feels final. Like this is the one fight she cannot win. It's so sad how Oscar has seemingly never lived her life entirely for herself, constantly being restricted by society’s and her own family and friends’ expectations of what they want her to be. While she has always been strong-willed and loyal when it came to her morals she did not have much of a life outside of the realm of the Army. Seeing the tearful goodbye between Oscar and Antoinette had me so upset. I feel that it would have been easier for me to handle their disagreement if it resulted in pure anger and vitriol, however, the amicable nature of their last interaction has painfully stuck with me. The two of them were each other's closest friends for twenty years and they were always there to support one another whether it be an issue with Marie’s public perception and controversy among the nobles, or Oscar’s rebelling against royal orders. So to see this be the end truly is so upsetting. Especially since they had my favorite dynamic within the series.
I’m left wondering if Marie Antoinette’s insistence on using the phrase “Au revoir” before they departed for the last time was in an effort to seem positive and almost ignore the harsh reality of both of their future’s or if she did actually believe that they will get out of this alive.
December 11, 2023
So it's been like a day since I finished watching The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes and I have come out of this movie with a lot of thoughts and feelings about it. Let me preface that this is not a movie review, and if it were it would probably be composed of me gushing about how great I thought it was, and how Rachel Zegler and Hunter Schafer were particularly captivating (and attractive) in it for a few paragraphs. But more so I wanted to talk about how the reception to Snow’s younger self has me feeling as a lesbian and a feminist, and lowkey just as a human being in general.
First of all, I will admit that Tom Blythe is very nice looking and I get one’s attraction to him as an actor. However, it's more so the lusting after Coriolanus Snow that has me confused, especially after watching the entirety of the movie. While I understand the appeal of villainous characters and would excuse many of his actions due to him being completely fictional, it was the way that he treated Lucy Gray and Sejanus close to the end of the film that truly made him irredeemable and internally ugly in my eyes. Genuinely ended up feeling sick to my stomach with how disgusted I was by his actions that I could no longer in my right mind even think of him in a positive way.
Ultimately, this is just a segway to talk about some thoughts and experiences I have been having for the last two years since I realized I had no attraction to men, and the overall sensation of loneliness I have had since that revelation. As while I of course was aware of the power that men held over and exerted upon women, I never realized how much we as non-men play into this phenomenon, and how many people ignore men’s irredeemable actions both within real life as well as fiction because of the mere fact that they find them attractive. While in the same breath criticizing and demeaning women who act in the same way. I am by no means trying to imply that this is women’s fault or that I am not equally guilty of this because I certainly am, but more so trying to say that I think we as a society need to start deconstructing and analyzing why we say the world in the way we do and acknowledge that our thoughts and beliefs do not exist in a vacuum. While thirsting over young President Snow may seem harmless, seeing the violence and hatred within him when Lucy Gray betrayed him for her own safety was so incredibly upsetting, as whether she died or not the fact of the matter is that he intended to kill her. Ultimately he was an abuser, and so to see Snow’s fascist beliefs being chalked up as merely a result of a “situationship” gone wrong just feels quite tone-deaf in my eyes. Right now we are living during a time where we are seeing real people’s lives being destroyed by people who think just like Snow, and I think its time that we try and stop our attraction blinding us from people who are harming others.
October 14, 2023
I don't expect myself to update this daily but I felt like writing about this because it has been dampering my mood for the last hour. Today I went to take my sisters homecoming pictures with her friends and it was there that a lot of the bitterness i have been harbouring since I graduated really started to arise within me. My entire high school experience was quite traumatizing for me in reasons that I do not neccesarily feel like sharing here but basically, I was very mentally ill at the time and incredibly lonely. lowkey still am but its been much better since i left that environment. but seeing how much fun this group of girls were having, excited to go to their first high school dance made me spiral in to another period of feeling incredibly bad for myself. in a way i feel really selfish for just thinking these things, but i dont know, looking in retrospect nothing about that four years of my life was in anyway comparable to what those girls were feeling in that moment, and looking back i realize how much of an outsider i really was during that time.
Feeling: depressed 
October 13, 2023
Im still working on setting this page up to my liking but if I keep waiting for everything to be up to my standards then my site would never have any new content so... But anyways it is really funny that I basically planned to make this entry yesterday and something pretty eventful also happened to occur then so I now have something to actually write about. basically i only have one in-person class this semester and its really chill, and I happened to strike up conversation with one of my classmates during one of our activities. she invited me to get and get coffee at the cafe on campus and while usually I would say no, I actually mustered up the courage to say yes and we ended up talking for like an hour and a half. We ultimately had a lot in common and I really stepped far out of my comfort zone and felt quite rewarded afterwords so yay me! I dont't expect the majority of my entries to be retelling of personal events like this one, but this was pretty significant for me so I decided to write about it :)
also im lowkey considering having each of my entries end with like a status update like in Victorious but idk is that corny...anyways
Feeling: chill 
